Lonely in the time of Corona

I thought that I was immune to it. I’m young, healthy, I had been working from home by myself for the last 7 years, I’m in a committed loving relationship with a wonderful partner, I was respectful of social distancing, the only people I spoke to were in my house (well really my parents house) or on the phone - I was following the rules! But it came for me a few weeks ago - and it knocked the shit outta me. 

Loneliness. 

Deep, dark loneliness. 

The kind that I couldn’t exercise off, do a puzzle about, or video chat my way out of - it was in my bones. So I did what I always did when I had a feeling I couldn’t shake off,or work my way out of - I cried about it. And this time - I cried about it HARD. 

I sobbed about the relationships that I had thought I fostered that now felt like they had evaporated, the home that I had in Brooklyn that I felt alienated from, and like I had abandoned. We had to leave our little place because our apartment has no doors, and my husbands office was closed. Wehad tried co-working on opposite ends of the apartment - but the first time one of my clients (who was paying a pretty penny for 1:1 coaching) heard him talking about software implementation at a volume that can only be described as a dull roar - I knew our WFH situation wasn’t sustainable. 

We are incredibly privileged to have parents who took us into their home in the lovely mountain town where they’ve retired. Its beautiful, and Vermonty AF, and I don’t know A person here under the age of 50. (If you didn’t think that I hung out for a littttle too long around the spiked seltzer display at the grocery store doing my best cool girl impression  on lookout for a new friend - you have deeply underestimated me)

After the sobs had subsided, I did the other thing that I do when I can’t shake a feeling - researched the shit outta it. I had listened to Brene Brown’s beautiful podcast Unlocking Us where she interviewed former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy about Loneliness and Connection about a month ago, but it hits different when I listened to it again this past week with my sad girl ears. 

In listening to the podcast I learned that there are there are 3 types of loneliness: 

Intimate Loneliness  -  which is what you feel when you lack really close relationships with people who know you truly for who you are, with whom you can be fully yourself, and that often is a best friend or a spouse.

Relational Loneliness - is when we lack friendships, and the kind of friendships where you would spend time with people during weekends or evenings or you have a friend you would have over to a dinner party or go on vacation with. 

Collective Loneliness  - is when we lack a sense of community-based or shared identity. Which can be a community of people who have a shared mission or it could even be colleagues who have loyalty to their organization and are committed to the mission.

What he said is that even when we are totally fulfilled in one place in your life, you can feel lonely in other dimensions in our life, and when that happens, it doesn’t mean that the dimensions where we are fulfilled are bad or broken. 

I had felt real loneliness before when I was an awkward kid in my middle school years, and this feeling was really similar. The way I got through that period of time was by believing that the future would be better. I would have friends who got me, who liked my quirks, made me laugh, where I could be myself and not second guess every other word I said, who I could love and support, who would be my people. What is incredible, is that I had gotten that in my life! Which is in and of itself a miracle! I had been surrounded by people I loved, who loved me back - but we couldn’t see each other right now. And I didn’t know when I would be able to see them, hug them or be with them again. 

The worst part about this lonely feeling, is that I’ve been embarrassed to talk about it, because of the deep stigma that exists around loneliness.  I was afraid if I said I was lonely, then the gremlins in my head would be right - I was unlikeable, or broken in some way. Or, worse - it would make the people who I am around feel like they were doing something wrong. 

Listening to this podcast let me know that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that this was normal for people to feel when they are in isolation, or are in places and spaces they aren’t used to. More than that, the podcast and other articles I’ve read reminded me that if this is something that I am feeling, then friends and family must be feeling it too, and instead of dwelling in my own feelings of being alone - I focused on quelling other peoples feelings of loneliness. 

I have been aggressively smizeing at the grocery store, (thank you Tyra Banks :), because even if they can’t see my smile under my mask -  the eyes tell it all. I have been making casual conversation with the person who is also pumping gas (form 6 feet away of course), I’ve set aside time every day to do a check in text or ask friends to FaceTime or zoom. I’ve also made sure to really focus in on the quality of my conversations - a call that might have been done while I was distractedly grocery shopping is now something to be delighted over with a glass of wine. I’ve tried to make it a point to be present with my friends, and also to say out loud how lovely it is to get a small slice of their time, even when they are so far away. 

The sads still come, but the sobs are slowing down and just like when I was in 4th grade - believe that there's are brighter, more friend filled days in my future.