Small Bites and Little Victories

I thought that I was immune to it. I’m young, healthy, I had been working from home by myself for the last 7 years, I’m in a committed loving relationship with a wonderful partner, I was respectful of social distancing, the only people I spoke to were in my house (well really my parents house) or on the phone - I was following the rules! But it came for me a few weeks ago - and it knocked the shit outta me.  Loneliness.  Deep, dark loneliness.  The kind that I couldn’t exercise off, do a puzzle about, or video chat my way out of - it was in my bones. So I did what I always did when I had a feeling I couldn’t shake off,or work my way out of - I cried about it. And this time - I cried about it HARD.  I sobbed about the relationships that I had thought I fostered that now felt like they had evaporated, the home that I had in Brooklyn that I felt alienated from, and like I had abandoned. We had to leave our little place because our apartment has no doors, ...

Like all things that go sideways, I had a plan.  I was going to jumpstart my writing  this morning.  The coffee was read to be brewed, I had my favorite mug, my journal and pen were out, I had set up a little nook in the postage stamp of a back garden that we have in Brooklyn. There would be sunlit morning skies, hot coffee, I had my phone in case I needed some music. I It was going to be perfect. I was going to hit the ground RUNNING.  I woke up on time, made my coffee, wrote the date down at the top of the page ready for the genius that I had been ignoring to flow right out of me…and then I was like, “oh – I need a water. The brain needs water to function, what was I thinking.” Got myself a glass of water. Then, what good is a water without a snack? Just a little apple or something. Walked back into the apartment, and procured my snack. Time to WRITE!  I stared at my computer screen for a strong 10 seconds, and promptly distracted myself again. “Oh m...

I am one of the luckiest people in the world, because I really love my job as a coach. I love helping people as they move through big challenges in their lives, supporting them as they make big goals, standing next to them as they face their biggest fears. I am in constant awe of my clients and their openness to growth, their consistent bravery and the fact that our sessions allow for them to reflect on the good things in their lives that they are grateful for! Its beautiful, and its badass and I realized last month - I WANT IN!!! I want to push myself to be brave, to engage in activities that make me feel like I am growing, and Lord knows I love me some gratitude so why not throw that in there too! Spring has always felt like a transition time - I mean the weather is changing, why can't I? So, I put together a spreadsheet where I am going to record all of my acts of bravery, growth, and gratitude and I'd love for you beautiful humans to keep me accountable as I move throu...

I saw it slowly creeping into my social media feeds, side by side pics of friends, family and celebrities showing what they looked like 10 years ago. Everyone looking so fresh and young and gorgeous - even without an instagram filter! I found myself saying audible awws at the faces of these humans that I have delighted in seeing grow up and older, either online or in real life, and write reflections about how much their lives have changed in the last 10 years. For some people it was because of marriage, or children, or crazy job changes or moves across the country or around the world. I loved reading their reflections of who they were, and how amazed they got from the person on the left to the person on the right. I started to think about 2009 me, and I feel totally sure that if she met 2019 me there would be awkwardness. Not just because of the additional smile lines, and the fact that for the first time in about 15 years I don’t have any variation on bangs (I know you guys, I ...

The smell of cinnamon and coffee always make me think of my parents. They add it to the coffee grinds because they read that even smelling cinnamon improves your processing capabilities, and that ingesting it is even better for your brain! It makes the whole house smell a little cozier, and more comfortable - it’s like a deep exhale. Even when they lived on Long Island it gave our suburban home a country vibe, which I LOVED. Now, this cinnamon coffee is being brewed in their house overlooking the Green Mountains in Vermont, and it makes so much more sense. You know the phrase create the life you want to live?  It feels like they were making that cinnamon coffee in their Long Island present, for their Vermont future. Whoever gets up first in the house is responsible for turning on the coffee maker and making that cozy smell happen, usually that’s my dad. I get my early rising tendencies from him. Growing up, getting up early was the way that I could be sure to get one on one tim...

Over the last 10 months, coaching has become a larger part of my professional life, and I’ve been reflecting on why I feel so driven to help other people achieve their goals. It started when I was staring at the memoir I wrote about my experience of getting run over by a truck and surviving, aptly named, “How to Get Run Over by a Truck” It had been rejected by over 90 agents. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t give up on it, and I couldn’t do it it alone. Enter the amazing life coaching skills of Mollie Khine . She and I worked together every week, and over the course of 4 months I went from having no idea of how I would take this manuscript out of my computer and into the world - to having pre-sold over 1000 copies of this book. I was so blown away by the fact that coaching had changed the trajectory of my life, that I realized it was what I wanted to do for others! I’ve spent the better part of the last year doing just that, standing with clients as they ...

Two Monday’s ago, I woke up at 5 am and took the bag I had packed for a weekend in the Hamptons full of shoes and once worn dresses and re-zipped it.  I grabbed the nearest big blue Ikea bag and tipped my laundry basket into it, watching as the clothes cascaded out of it, like a cotton avalanche. I kissed my boyfriend good-bye as he sleepily slid toward my side of the bed.  I heaved this monstrosity of dirty clothes over my shoulder and lifted my rolling luggage out the front door to the 2011 Subaru Impreza that I share with my little brother. This little silver bullet of a car has almost 150,000 miles on it, smells like my little brothers dirty gym clothes, and in that moment opening up  the car door made me happier than I can even express. I needed a break from Brooklyn, and this sweet little four wheeled wonder was my ticket out. I didn’t worry about the wonky back bumper, or that the check engine light has been on basically since we got it a few months ago.  I...

I like control. I'm in pretty sure I'm not at all unique in that feeling. I like knowing where my keys are, that my toothbrush will be where I left it, I love when google maps is honest with me and I get to my destination in the amount of time that it promised me. These are the small things that quiet my anxiety and make me feel like I'm not struggling to breathe. If I'm having an internal flip out, I can focus on the fact that my phone is in the correct pocket in my purse and then I'm back at center.  So I try really bonkerface hard to find that control anywhere I can! I mean ANY WHERE. If that means getting up at 4:45 to work out before a crazy day juuuust so I can cross that shit off my list - I'll do it. Or folding my underoos the way that The KoMari method told me to, thats how I'll spend a Friday night, or if it means getting to the airport 4 hours early because JFK is always crazy to get to, and I have to check a bag and who the fuck knows what migh...

I decided a few months ago that June 1st was going to be my official start to summer. Not just because I could, without judgement, start wearing my white jeans, but because June 1st was when I told myself I would start the season of being kinder to my body. I am not as nice to my body as I could be. Honestly, sometimes I'm downright mean.  I say unkind things about it in my head (and sometimes out loud to my boyfriend who I am sure REALLY appreciates it!), I don't feed it the right food, I eat for comfort, I drink to giggle, I don't do the exercises I should do in order to make myself into the strong badass human that I want to be. I don't give my body and mind quiet time to rest and meditate, and Lord knows my body and mind could use a goddamned break. My body does SO many nice things for me! It keeps me healthy, lets me move around in the world, keeps all of my systems going. It takes care of all of that stuff so I can focus on, taking subways, working, being a go...

I am not embarrassed to admit it, I am obsessed with my physical therapist. Its true.   She knows it, I know it, and now you know it. I have seen a series of physical therapists since I was run over by a truck, but I have never had one as wonderful as Alicia . She is the gem of all gems.  What makes her so incredible, is not only that she is charming, kind and hilarious, but also that she has shown me how all of the different injuries in the various parts of my body (because there are a lot you guys!) impact each other. She was the first person to talk to me about how my scar tissue, is responsible for pains and strains in other places. To help mobilize the fascia ( which, is a thin sheath of fibrous tissue enclosing a muscle or other organ. If you don't think that I looked that definition up on Google, you are dead wrong )  she does something that I hadn’t ever had done before – which is scar therapy. She massages my scars to help to break up the tissue, so th...

Today, I feel super weird. I am closing out my first week of not having a full time job in quite a long time. Truthfully, this is my first full week of not having a full time job in tandem with a side hustle. So, I feel intensely odd. This weirdness is a funny mix of being confused about how to measure myself when I don't have something to point to and say: I accomplished this thing this week. I was paid for it. I have worth! A nd wondering what I am going to do now that my life feels like it is truly in my hands.  I can choose what I want to be when I grow up! I can be responsible for my own happiness! I am not going to lie to you, it is awesome, but is also TERRIFYING.   These anxious thoughts keep running through my brain: what if I waste my time? What if I make the wrong decision? What if I squander this opportunity, what if I can't make money doing what I want to do? What if I end up broke and have to move out of my lovely Brooklyn apartment into my parents house ...

I was at a party a few weeks ago talking to a friend that I hadn't seen in a while. We were catching up and she said - I feel like I don't even need to ask you how you are doing because according to social media things seem to be going awesome! You have the book, you're going on all of these pretty walks, you are smiling in all of your photos, you're doing these talks!! Everything looks so awesome, so just tell me how fabulous you are doing!" I looked at this sweet friend and I blinked, hard. Is that how people think my life is going? Jesus, I am really not telling the full story - at all. "Oh, love bug, the only reason why my life looks so good on social media, is because there is no good Instagram filter for crying in the shower. She laughed, but then saw that I was serious, and I started to explain to her what had been actually happening over the last few weeks.  My position at the non-profit where I had worked for over 5 years had just been eliminate...

Last week I was invited to speak to my friends mom's Book Club in West Hartford, Connecticut. There are barely words for how excited I was about it! First of all, I loved that they had read my book, I love moms, I love the suburbs, and I was pretty confident that there was going to be wine and cheese plate at this event and I LOVE wine and cheese. I am really lucky because I work virtually, so I can work from anywhere, so I planned to work from a coffee shop in Hartford for the day.  The most  important thing to me was that I wanted to be set up and totally ready to work at 9:00 am. So I got up at 5 so I could take the earliest train into Hartford. I showered, straightened my hair, put on my "I'm an Author" outfit,  and did some basic eyeliner and mascara so I wouldn't creep onto the Amtrak train looking like a sleepy zombie. In the half dark, I rooted around in my sock drawer to find a pair of socks that I could wear under my black boots, and for the life of me...

In the last few months, I have had the honor of getting to talk about myself in front of groups of other people. It is terrifying and amazing and wonderful all at the same time. In the moments before these talks I feel like I am going to either giggle out of pure joy or throw-up in front of a bunch of strangers . It is awesome! The most recent talk that I gave was for a group of middle schoolers in Vermont. Their guidance counselor had read my book, and had invited me to come and speak to the kids. I was the most nervous I had ever been - 7th and 8th and graders are terrifying! I know they scared the crap out of me when I was one of them. But this seemed like an amazing opportunity to share a part of my life with them, and maybe be helpful in some way. The talk wound up being really lovely, and the kids were absolute gems. They asked some hilarious, thoughtful and intense questions - and I did my best to answer them honestly, without fear and and with intentionality - it felt me...